the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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