I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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