As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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