i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?