I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants