I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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