your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
