HIV tests are more positive than that guy
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
