dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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