Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My liver just had a heart attack.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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