Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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