i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow