Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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