Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
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Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
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Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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