i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
