Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
