ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
