Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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