Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
