Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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