i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
