Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
