Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
