I wish I could teleport
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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