you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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