So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
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i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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