Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
