I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We have so much sex to catch up on
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
