im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
