That's intense
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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