You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
