just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
