Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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