I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
