I'm drive I can fine osifer
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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