How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
