Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
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i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She bit a glass in half.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
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"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.