I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon