I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
