I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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