Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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