I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
