You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
