maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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