So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
