mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
