Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
