I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
he high fived his dick after we had sex
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
