Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
