If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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