I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
