I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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