When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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