Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
