I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...