I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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