Don't make out with my wife yet
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
