Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
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at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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