I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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