lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
someone owes me an orgasm
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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