the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
