Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
